When I saw those two lines show up positive, I lost it.
Fear and panic set in. It felt as though my entire world was over. In fact, I told my ex husband this repeatedly as I rushed him out the door to buy more tests.
The thought of becoming a mother was not one I embraced warmly.
I didn’t fit into the “mold” of what I felt a mother was. As we drew closer and closer to that due date I began to create lists of what I would and would not do. I imagined what kind of mother I would be.
I told myself that I wouldn’t let this baby change me, because I was so afraid of losing myself to motherhood.
I wasn’t going to have baby toys in the living room. I wasn’t going to live in yoga pants. I was going to make sure I prioritized my career and I would be damned if I let a baby change that.
I shot weddings and boudoir sessions until the threat of giving birth in the middle of the ceremony became an actual concern.
Hahaha! I was in for a rude awakening 😂😂😂
Each and every “rule” and expectation went out the window as soon as that little boy was born.
I failed to recognize the most important thing:
Motherhood is whatever the hell we make of it.
I was so caught up in what I felt was expected of me as a mother that I forgot the fact that I have the power to choose how I live my life and how I raise this little dude.
The girl who scoffed at the idea of changing diapers became a crunchy, baby wearing, extended breastfeeding, attachment parenting mama who still ran her business while spending nearly every waking hour with my sidekick by my side.
I was so worried that I would lose myself. And I did. I lost that version of myself.
But I transformed.
Motherhood forever changed me, but one thing that I made sure of was this:
I am ME before I am anything else.
I am a powerful, intelligent, sensual creature and that doesn’t change because three younger humans call me mom.
I say this because I lose myself from time to time, caught up in the daily grind and tasks of care taking, and I forget to honor myself and the many facets of me.
It is so easy to forget who we are when we spend so much time serving others. And it is SO easy to fall into what society expects you to be.
But remember this: You have the power to define what terms you live your life by. I hope you choose to live life doing that which brings you pleasure.