Letting go of fear. - LeZandra Photography - Norfolk Virginia Boudoir Photography

April 23, 2012

Letting go of fear.

It has taken a lot of time, energy, and thought deciding what will go in this blog post. But, here it goes. This is probably the most personal blog post I have ever written. I apologize for not having a photo to go with it, but I feel the words are what matter in this case.

You may have noticed that I haven’t been online so much. Seriously, I feel like I have sort of vanished from social media. I don’t blog nearly as much as I want to, or post, or tweet, or any of that jazz.

In October I started working for the Navy at a 24/7 child development home.

 When I say it was an experience, I truly mean it.

I love the kids I worked with. Loved. So deeply. I felt like I became their mommy. I would tuck them into bed at night and fed them breakfast in the morning.

But when I say it was a toxic work place, I unfortunately mean it.

I don’t want to get into the details, but it was bad. Like, leave work and just cry kind of bad. It took me to a dark place.

You may wonder what this has to do with photography.

Well…

Since I worked in a 24/7 center my schedule was subject to change. I understood this. I was told that my business would not be effected by this.

I needed this job. Student loan repayment was a few months away and as a fresh college graduate unable to find a job anywhere, I needed it.

When I say it was bad, there are many reasons why. One of which being that my schedule was constantly being changed. It literally changed 5 times in the span of two days.

It took complete hold of my life. I had to turn brides and clients away because of my schedule. That crushed me. I hated it.

I don’t like having to turn people away. I like to think people choose me because they connect with me on some level. And I love meeting these people. I love exploring life with them. To say I cannot be there for them just plain sucked.

I continued to look for another job.

In 2010 I graduated with my degree in Psychology at 20 years of age. I love helping people. And I knew there was more I could be doing with my life.

In February I started working with autistic children with an amazing company.

It is such an amazing and rewarding job. I LOVE it.

But working two jobs was hard. Especially when you have a 10pm-7am shift and then you have to be in to work at your other job in a few hours.

Not to mention trying to run a business.

My husband sat me down and asked me, “What are you passionate about?”

Of course, the answer is Photography and Psychology.

He said, “Then you have your answer. I have watched this job slowly kill you. I can’t watch it any longer. You have to do what you love. What makes you happy. I want that spark in your eyes back. I want to see you live for you!”

So I did it.

I put in my two weeks.

It was terrifying. My husband and I just bought a house. We just made this huge transition. There was so much up in the air, so much going on. So much freaking stress! I felt like i wasn’t going to be able to contribute to our family.

My last day working for the Navy was this past Wednesday.

I got off of work at 8am and had an interview at 1pm later that day.

I was offered the job that I have been trying to get for the past year and a half.

And it feels so amazing!

After months of self doubt, unhappiness, and a desire for change, but lack of will and inner motivation to change, I am happy to say that I am exactly where I want to be. 

I am able to pursue both photography and psychology.

I am able to make people happy and bring joy into their lives.

For the first time in months, I am able to be me. And it feels better than I could ever describe.

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  1. terri says:

    congrats to you, girl!
    you deserve this!

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