The term life changing often comes across as cliché. I hate to use it now because this conference was anything but cliché, but the term definitely fits. What I experienced over the weekend was something that has forever altered my course in life. In conjunction with the Stripped Down workshop that I attended the previous weekend (which I will definitely be blogging about), I think it is safe to say that my mind has been blown!
Somer and Katy first told me about their idea to hold a conference for hundreds of women over a year ago. They envisioned a massive gathering of women from all different walks of life coming together to support one another. I don’t think they even knew just how much of a profound impact this conference would have on everybody involved. Thus the Modern Femme Movement was born.
Throughout this past year I have had the pleasure of getting to know these two incredible women. I have watched them balance family, multiple businesses, relationships, and manage it all with great perseverance. They have allowed themselves to be vulnerable and in return, they have encouraged so many other women to do the same.
I’m not normally the person to cry when I am emotional. I shut that shit down. But any time I was around these women, tears just started pouring out. Then they introduced me to the Masterminds. This insanely amazing group of women rocked my world. And more tears came. For the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to open up to strangers. What would normally take years to develop was established in just a few hours. The relationships I gained that day at the Adventure Park have helped me through some dark times this past year.
When Katy and Somer asked me to speak at the conference my first response was “What do I have to offer?”. I do not know what it was that they saw in me, but they never wavered in their support and encouragement. After the loss of a close relationship later that year, I told them that I did not feel like I could go on with the conference. I felt so beat down and I couldn’t imagine speaking when I felt so much turmoil. They refused to let me pull out and I am SO happy that they didn’t. I cannot imagine missing out on such an experience.
As Katy and Somer gave their closing remarks I could not help but break out into full on ugly cry mode. Here stood two women who have gone through so much, fought so hard, and laid it all on the line for the success of this conference. To see everything come together in a way that even I could not have imagined was nothing short of extraordinary. I saw lives forever changed before my eyes, and it was all because of these two women with a dream.
For me, this conference was a rebirth.
I have struggled so much this past year to just get out of bed in the morning. I have hit breaking point after breaking point. When I thought that things couldn’t get worse, they did. I questioned everything about myself. My confidence was destroyed. I felt as though I had broken into a million little pieces and I could not figure out how to pull myself back together. My last year and a half has been filled with death, loss, manipulation, suicidal thoughts, self-harm, and a seemingly never ending state of confusion as to who I was and where I was going. It was as though everything I had ever known was gone. I was now stumbling to figure out life while balancing a motherhood, marriage, and a business.
On Friday I spoke about being uniqueness and being authentically you without fear. How could I speak about such a thing when I was in such a state of confusion about myself? My soul had been so completely shaken. It was as though I had known who I was but I wasn’t quite sure if that person could ever be again. I had accepted that this past year and a half was the new normal. This was my life now. I would forever work to climb out of this pit of darkness while the bottom grew deeper and deeper.
Debbie, an incredible write, photographer, mother and fellow mastermind, had pulled me aside that night. She told me that for the first time she saw a woman who was vulnerable and human. It was as though the carefully built exterior that I had erected was slowly cracking. Debbie had taken a class of mine nearly two years ago and she said that I had inspired her to be herself and not care about who was judging her.
Debbie grabbed my arm and asked “Why did you ask us for permission to say fuck? You are LeZandra. You don’t ask for permission. You are the woman who I go to to say fuck. “
And there it was. This was the slap in the face that I needed to show me that I truly had lost touch with myself, and it wasn’t just me that had noticed. Exterior shattered. She saw right through me and although she didn’t do it on purpose, she rocked my world.
That night, I lay there with tears in my eyes, asking my husband what happened. “Where is my spark? Where is my fire? What happened to me?” I pleaded. It was as though a fire burned far away, but clouded in a fog of uncertainty. My spark was so out of reach. My passion was dimmed. My will was gone.
As I continued to work through my thoughts and attempted to make sense of everything that I had experienced earlier that day I realized that things were slowly becoming more clear. For the first time in a log time it was as though the fog was clearing, being fanned away by such a clarity of mind that I had not experienced for so long. I could finally reconnect with and fully experience my thoughts.
I shouted out. “Fuck this. FUCK this! This is NOT my life and I am fucking done!”
I am done just accepting what life is giving me. I have never been the type of person to just wait and see what happens, so why was I doing that? Why was I second guessing my every thought for fear of judgement? Why was I limiting myself, when one of my biggest creeds has always been to constantly challenge myself and push boundaries?
I have always believed that there was nothing that I cannot do as long as my mind can guide me. But my mind had failed me. It held me captive. And for some sick and twisted reason, I had let it.
That ended Friday night.
The next morning, I walked into the conference with my reconnected confidence. I found my spark and I was not going to let it be dimmed. Not by anybody and certainly not by myself.
As I went to each speaker and listened to their stories my confidence was bolstered. I had lunch with my mentor (who has been such an incredible support system and source of inspiration in my life) and I felt so comfortable, where I had once been living in a space of doubt.
I have never experienced the level of unconditional love and support that I received at the Modern Femme conference in my life. I have never been around so many people who believed in me. I have never been so inspired to go out and do great things. I have never been around so many driven and innovative thinkers. I have never felt so proud to be myself.
As I sat there, breaking out into ugly cries, I heard Katy call out my name during closing remarks. She echoed the words of support and love that she has shown me this past year. She encouraged me and accepted me. She gave me love. And then…
Katy gave me my spark.
I was given the Spark Award. In my head, I couldn’t help but make the connection from the night before. Just hours before this I was asking my husband where my spark was. And here she was, handing it to me.
This conference gave me so much. I truly feel like it has given me my life back. I have finally come full circle, back to who I was before all of the loss and pain. But now, I know more than ever that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am doing exactly what I should be doing. I have reconnected with myself and my purpose.
I am forcing every single woman I love to go to this conference next year. You cannot afford not to go. If you have felt any bit of uncertainty, felt overwhelmed, or questioned your purpose, you have to experience this. You will walk into a world of women who are going to pen their arms up to you and show you love. You are going to experience support like you have never experienced before. You are going to leave feeling so incredibly empowered and have your life changed.
I hope to see you there next year.
May 16, 2016
I think of you often and with such reverence. We are all allowed to go through our seasons of change, confusion, and deep personal growth, but I’m glad you’re coming out kicking ass like I remember you. Keep chasing your spark through life!
that was amazing, I wish I cold have been there! you are amazing and i have so much admiration and respect for you. All my love
This is incredible!!!!!
I wish i went, i am crying reading this myself. There is so much i have gone through and fights I have fought, and life still cannot fully give me what i am trying to achieve. Right now seems like i am in a cage and cannot get out. Its like a never ending circle. But i keep fighting. But there are so many other women who had it so much harder. We just need to keep going and have our dreams illuminating our paths for us.