At the beginning of every year I choose a word that will guide me. I honestly couldn’t tell you what that word was last year. I can’t even remember half of last year. If that doesn’t perfectly sum up my thoughts on 2018, I don’t know what will.
Perhaps it was “Reconnection”…
It’s possible that it was something in line with “I will rediscover who I am” because in all honesty, 2017 left me feeling a bit lost. 2016 left me feeling completely shattered.
You could say that these last couple of years have been a bit difficult. If you had asked me how I felt in 2016 I would have told you that I felt as though my world was ending.
It did. The world I had always known, the vision I had of my future self, my goals, life plans, my everything…all gone.
2016 left me shattered into a million pieces so that I could rebuild myself from scratch, armed with a lifetime of knowledge but gifted with a slate wiped clear.
My life as I had known it had ended. And I am SO glad it did.
At 26, I chose to leave. Actually, I was told to leave. And for the first time, instead of feeling terrified, it felt as though I was given a key to freedom after being locked in a cell for so long.
Towards the end of 2016, I decided to purchase a bracelet a phrase embossed in metal so that I could wear these words around my wrist as a reminder of my promise to myself.
“Fuck what they think.”
These words carried me out of an emotionally abusive marriage. They guided me as I, at 26, chose to leave the life that I thought would last forever.
Fuck what the world would think of a young single mother.
Fuck what my family would think of a woman unwilling to sacrifice her happiness to make it work so her son wouldn’t have to split holidays.
Most importantly, fuck what I would think. To the woman who thought she couldn’t make it on her own. Who doubted her worth on a daily basis. Who felt as though her life was meaningless. Who thought that daily abuse was love.
Fuck what I would think, the one unable to get herself out of bed because she didn’t want to live through another single day.
With these words as my constant reminder, I set off into the unknown. It was in these last two years that I learned my biggest lessons in life.
If you have ever left a relationship with a narcissist, you know the rage that accompanies your escape. The anxiety, the constant worry, the endless threats. They are your constant companions. It’s hard to believe others when they say it will be over soon.
I look back and it is as though I am reading a bad Lifetime movie. I still cannot believe everything that I went through, because repeating it all sounds so insane.
You may not be able to stop the chaos but you can choose to not let it consume you.
As I set my goals for 2019, I live by two words: Closure and Intention
I’m closing a chapter of my life and choosing to leave the chaos behind.
I have huge goals and an even greater desire to accomplish them.
I entered the new year filled with love and intention.
I am so excited to see where life takes us this year!!! I am so excited for all of the women we will be meeting this year! I am also so thrilled for all of the ladies who have chosen to have a second, third, even fourth session with us this year!
Thank you all for your love and support. It truly has made a massive difference through this transformational period of my life.
Miss S: Hampton Roads Virginia Boudoir Photographer
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